A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
