you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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