I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
