I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
