Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
