He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
