I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize