I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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