Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
