there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
