can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
