No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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