White coat. Heels.
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
