Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize