Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
