would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
