They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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