there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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