At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
