Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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