Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
