my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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