No awkward lesbian experiences without me
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
