my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
