Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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