Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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