I think i sorta joined a cult last night
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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