I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
