just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
