there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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