and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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