you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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