I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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