If that was your dad, he is hot
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
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