Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
