i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
