just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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