I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
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