She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
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