naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
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