you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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