So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Randomize