So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
She needs sedatives and a leash
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
