I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Randomize
