He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
we made out on top of his cat.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
