p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
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