I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
