bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
