On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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