All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
