So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
