my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
