Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
