there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
