We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
