Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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