When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
What a dumb baby whore.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
