and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
