New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Randomize
