saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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