Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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